WE WOULD RATHER DO BUSINESS WITH 1000 ARAB TERRORISTS
THAN WITH A SINGLE JEW

This sign was prominently displayed in the front window of a business in
Philadelphia. Most folks would be outraged at the thought of such an
inflammatory statement. One would expect anti-hate groups from all across the
country to march on this business and that the National Guard might have to
be called to keep the angry crowds back.

But, perhaps in these stressful times, one might be tempted to let the
proprietors simply make their statement...

We are a society who holds freedom of speech as perhaps our greatest
liberty and after all it is just a sign...

You must be asking, what kind of business would dare post such a sign?

The answer: Goldberg's Funeral Home

Contributed by Mick and Joanne Yule.

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Thought you might like to see these!!! Comments made in the year 1957:

"I'll tell you one thing, if things keep going the way they are,
it's going to be impossible to buy a week's groceries for $20."

Have you seen the new cars coming out next year?
It won't be long before $5000 will only buy a used one."

"If cigarettes keep going up in price, I'm going to quit. A quarter a pack is ridiculous."

"Did you hear the post office is thinking about charging a dime just to mail a letter?"

"If they raise the minimum wage to $1, nobody will be able to hire outside help at the store."

"When I first started driving, who would have thought gas would someday cost 29 cents a gallon.
Guess we'd be better off leaving the car in the garage."

"Kids today are impossible. Those duck tail hair cuts make it impossible to stay groomed.
Next thing you know, boys will be wearing their hair as long as the girls."

"I'm afraid to send my kids to the movies any more. Ever since they let Clark Gable
get by with saying 'damn' in 'Gone With The Wind,' it seems every new movie has either
"hell" or "damn" in it."

"I read the other day where some scientist thinks it's possible to put a man on the moon by
the end of the century. They even have some fellows they call astronauts preparing for it
down in Texas."

"Did you see where some baseball player just signed a contract for $75,000 a year
just to play ball? It wouldn't surprise me if someday they'll be making more than the president."

"I never thought I'd see the day all our kitchen appliances would be electric.
They are even making electric typewriters now."

"It's too bad things are so tough nowadays. I see where a few married women
are having to work to make ends meet."

"It won't be long before young couples are going to have to hire someone to watch
their kids so they can both work."

"Marriage doesn't mean a thing any more; those
Hollywood stars seem to be getting divorced at the drop of a hat."

"I'm just afraid the Volkswagen car is going to open the door to a whole lot of
foreign business."

"Thank goodness I won't live to see the day when the Government takes half our income
in taxes. I sometimes wonder if we are electing the best people to congress."

"The drive-in restaurant is convenient in nice
weather, but I seriously doubt they will ever catch on."

"There is no sense going to Lincoln or Omaha anymore for a weekend.
It costs nearly $15 a night to stay in a hotel."

"No one can afford to be sick any more; $35 a day in the hospital is too rich for my blood."

"If they think I'll pay 50 cents for a hair cut, forget it."

Comments made in 1957 by our parents............. and maybe some of us too!

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Beware of Gifts

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it's a bad one.
Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.
After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man, that's interesting.
I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are
unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together
in peace for the rest of our days."

Flattered, the man replied, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely!"

"This must be a sign from God!" The woman continued,
"And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished
but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine
and celebrate our good fortune."

Then she hands the bottle to the man, The man nods his head in agreement,
opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.
The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.
The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"
The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police.......

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From: Herb & Lynn

A few minutes before the church services started, the townspeople were sitting
in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.

Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance,
trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly
in his pew without moving, seeming oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy
was in his presence. So Satan walked up to the old man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"
The man replied, "Yep, sure do." "Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.

"Nope, sure ain't." said the man. "Don't you realize I can kill you with a word?"
asked Satan. "Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone.

"Did you know that I could cause you profound, horrifying, physical AGONY for all eternity?"
persisted Satan. "Yep," was the calm reply. "And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.

"Nope." More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why aren't you afraid of me?"
The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years."

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An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall.
They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny,
silver walls that could move apart and back together again.

The boy asked his father, "What is this, Father?" The father
(never having seen an elevator) responded "Son, I have
never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheel chair
rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady
rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father
watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up.

They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction.
The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24-year-old woman stepped out.
The father said to his son, "Go get your mother."

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A four year old was at the pediatrician for a check up.
As the doctor looked down her ears with an otoscope, he asked,
"Do you think I'll find Big Bird in here?" The little girl stayed silent.
Next, the doctor took a tongue depressor and looked down her throat.
He asked, "Do you think I'll find the Cookie Monster down there?"
Again, the little girl was silent. Then the doctor put a stethoscope to her chest.
As he listened to her heart beat, he asked, "Do you think I'll hear Barney in there?"
"Oh, no!" the little girl replied. "Jesus is in my heart. Barney's on my underpants."

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The following are from Don Dickte's stash of funnies.

*~~*~~*~

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.
"My dog's cross-eyed. Is there anything you can do for him?"

"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him."

So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down."

"Why? Because he's cross-eyed?"

"No, because he's really heavy."

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PLEASE NOTICE!!

You may have noticed the increased amount of notices for you to notice.

And, we have noticed that some of our notices have not been noticed.

This is very noticeable.

It has been noticed that the responses to the notices have been

noticeably unnoticeable. Therefore, this notice is to remind you to

notice the notices and to respond to the notices because we do not want

the notices to go unnoticed.

>From the Notice Committee for Noticing Notices

~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~

Subject: Ordinary Miracles

Today...I wish you a day of ordinary miracles----

A fresh pot of coffee you didn't make yourself.

An unexpected phone call from an old friend.

Green stoplights on your way to work or shop.

I wish you a day of little things to rejoice in.

The fastest line at the grocery store.

A good sing-along song on the radio.

Your keys right where you look.

I wish you a day of happiness and perfection- little bite-size pieces of perfection
that give you the funny feeling that the Lord is smiling on you,
holding you so gently because you are someone special and rare.

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THE NEW DICTIONARY
Websters came out with a new dictionary to reflect the modern times.
Here are a few highlight of what's inside.

ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.

BEAUTY PARLOR: A place where women curl up and dye.

CANNIBAL: Someone who is fed up with people.

CHICKENS: The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.

COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

GOSSIP: A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage.

HANDKERCHIEF: Cold Storage.

INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

MYTH: A female moth.

MOSQUITO: An insect that makes you like flies better.

RAISIN: Grape with sunburn.

SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time.

YAWN: An honest opinion openly expressed.

WRINKLES: Something other people have. You have character lines.

and one to tell your boss...
TOMORROW: One of the greatest labour saving devices of today.

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QUESTIONS POSED TO THE NATIONAL PARK SERVICE

*Everglades National Park:*

Are the alligators real?
Where are all the rides?
What time does the two o'clock bus leave?

*Mesa Verde National Park:*

Did people build this, or did indians?
Why did they build the ruins so close to the road?
Do you know of any undiscovered ruins?
Why did the Indians decide to live in Colorado?

*Carlsbad Caverns National Park:*

How much of the cave is underground?
So what's in the unexplored part of the cave?
How many Ping-Pong balls would it take to fill this up?

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Senior citizens are constantly being criticized for every conceivable
deficiency of the modern world, real or imaginary. We know we take
responsibility for all we have done and do not blame others. BUT, upon
reflection, we would like to point out that it was not the senior citizens
who took:

The melody out of music,
The pride out of appearance,
The romance out of love,
The commitment out of marriage,
The responsibility out of parenthood,
The togetherness out of the family,
The learning out of education,
The service out of patriotism,
The religion out of school,
The Golden Rule from rulers,
The nativity scene out of cities,
The civility out of behavior,
The refinement out of language,
The dedication out of employment,
The prudence out of spending, or
The ambition out of achievement,

And we certainly are not the ones who eliminated patience and tolerance from
personal relationships and interactions with others!! Does anyone under the
age of 50 know the lyrics to the Star Spangled Banner? Just look at the
Seniors with tears in their eyes and pride in their hearts as they stand at
attention with their hand over their hearts! Remember.......Inside every
older person is a younger person wondering what happened!

Yes, I'm a Senior Citizen!

I'm the life of the party...even if it only lasts until 8 PM.
I'm very good at opening childproof caps with a hammer.
I'm usually interested in going home before I get to where I am going.
I'm awake many hours before my body allows me to get up.
I'm smiling all the time because I can't hear a thing you're saying.
I'm very good at telling stories; over and over and over and over...
I'm aware that other people's grandchildren are not as cute as mine.
I'm so cared for -- long term care, eye care, private care, dental care.
I'm not grouchy, I just don't like traffic, waiting, crowds, politicians.
I'm sure everything I can't find is in a secure place.
I'm wrinkled, saggy, lumpy - and that's just my left leg.
I'm having trouble remembering simple words like...like... like...
I'm realizing that aging is not for wimps.
I'm sure they are making adults much younger these days.
I'm wondering, if you're only as old as you feel, how could I be alive at 150?
I'm a walking storeroom of facts.....I've just lost the storeroom.

Yes, I'm a Senior Citizen, and I think I'm having the time of my life!

~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~

Saying Grace...
Last week I took my children to a restaurant.
My six-year-old son asked if he could say grace. As we bowed our heads he said,
"God is good. God is great. Thank you for the food, and I would even
thank you more if Mom gets us ice cream for dessert. And Liberty and justice for all! Amen!"

Along with the laughter from the other customers nearby I heard a woman remark,
"That's what's wrong with this country. Kids today don't even know how to pray.
Asking God for ice-cream! Why, I never!"

Hearing this, my son burst into tears and asked me, "Did I do it wrong? Is God mad at me?"
As I held him and assured him that he had done a terrific job and God was certainly
not mad at him, an elderly gentleman approached the table.

He winked at my son and said, "I happen to know that God thought that was a great prayer."
"Really?" my son asked. "Cross my heart," the man replied. Then in a theatrical whisper
he added (indicating the woman whose remark had started this whole thing),

"Too bad she never asks God for ice cream. A little ice cream is good for the soul sometimes."

Naturally, I bought my kids ice cream at the end of the meal.
My son stared at his for a moment and then did something I will remember the rest
of my life. He picked up his sundae and without a word, walked over and placed it
in front of the woman. With a big smile he told her, "Here, this is for you."
"Ice cream is good for the soul sometimes, and my soul is good already."

I loved this story!
Sometimes we all need some ice cream.

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